The sober romantic- marry your own kind

Lately, I have been giving a lot of thought to the issue of marriage. Perhaps it's the fact that my brother recently got married, or the fact that this year is my 10th wedding anniversary, either way, reflections on the topic of marriage have taken up a bit of space in my mind and I have decided to do a few posts on it.

They say love is blind, but only a young inexperienced person will make the decision on whom to marry solely on the basis of love. I like to say that love wears glasses and contact lenses.

One important ingredient for increasing the likelihood of your marriage success is marrying your own kind. Gasp! In this day of inter marriage where colour and tribe don't matter, only a closed minded person will say that right? Wrong. It depends on what your definition of your own kind. By your own kind, I mean someone from a similar kind of background as yourself.

Two weeks ago while I was getting my hair done in preparation for my brothers wedding, I got talking with the lady doing my hair. She mentioned that there was an African restaurant in Frankfurt where you can get authentic cuisine in an authentic african atmosphere - you sit on the ground and you eat with your hands in that restaurant. So I said why the extraness of sitting on the ground, these Europeans sometimes sef. Only for her to say, yes, it's just like in Africa, where we sit on the ground. So I told her wait a minute, did you sit on the ground and eat in your own home, to which she answered yes now. " they would call us to eat and we would go collect our food and find some spot on the ground to eat. Dinning table ke". Of course, she did not believe me when I said that we always ate on the dining table, and  with cutlery, except when eating "okele". We even used to eat at the dining table in my grandparents home, and I have very fond memories of my grand parents dining table.

Now, there is absolutely nothing wrong with eating on the floor as opposed to eating on the dining table, but she was so sure her experiences growing up were the experiences of every other African, as I was about my own experiences. We are both Nigerians, but come from different worlds. For me, I had never really thought of a dining table as anything special until that point, and I just ended up keeping quiet having learnt something new.

It's the closed almost incestuous world of the African middle class, which makes us not really 'see' the millions who are not living like us. For me, it took moving to Europe to start to really think about the plight of those millions, even though I am not from a rich family and my parents are very compassionate people who helped others where they could. It could have something to do with the fact that I moved abroad in my teenage years, but anyway, that is not the focus of this post.

Someone I know is married to a man who has told her before that she pretends to be someone she is not putting on fancy airs. Tell me if the lady above were to meet and date someone from a background like my brother, wouldn't there be a sort of disconnect? Wouldn't she accuse him of putting on airs at some point? Or if her brother married a lady from a different of background, wouldn't her in laws accuse her of being proud and thinking she is better than they are? By the way, I have seen such scenarios play out.

 Or a completely banal example from my own life, growing up, my parents took us on picnics and to zoos and parks. One of my fondest childhood memories is a picnic with friends at the zoo in Makurdi where we lived at the time. My husband's parents didn't really take him out like that , so when 5 years into our marriage we started having children and I would expect him to go out on the weekends with us, he was having none of it and it was a bitter point for me that I was the one going all about with my kids alone, which was completely different from how I grew up. One day, after I had  managed to drag him with us by fire and brimstone and he enjoyed himself, he confessed that he wasn't really used to that type of thing as his parents had lots of obligations while he was growing up that did not allow for that type of family outing. Now, I understand where that's coming from and I don't take his reluctance personal any longer, but it took a while for us to get there.

So in saying marrying your kind, I am not talking about race or tribe, but I mean marry someone who is from a similar sort of background as yourself. I am not there if you as a middle class Nigerian marries an oyibo who is either from a dysfunctional home or who places Africans in a certain box, because they will treat you that same way. Or if you being Yoruba woman from a monogamous harmonious home decides to marry a Yoruba man from a dysfunctional polygamous home, or one with absent parents, or one where the man is god. Or you being from a strongly christian or muslim home decides to marry someone who comes from a family where their reigious beliefs are diluted with a bit of voodoo etc etc.

 It's more efficient marrying someone of a different culture or tribe who shares a similar background than someone from the same state who could as well be from mars while you are from Venus when in comes to their values and how they think. Those differences may seem trivial at first, but the longer you stay together, the more you will see circumstances and situations pop up that were not envisaged and where only having similar outlooks or a strong ability to compromise can get you through easily.

Having met my brothers wife and in laws and seen the ease of interaction between the two families, being that the backgrounds are so similar made me wish for the same for everyone else that I know who is still searching. Men, that lady will be raising your children. Ladies, that will be the head of your home 'till death do you part'. Choose with your glasses on!

I have gotten conservative with age, so sue me :)

Anyway in conclusion, if you decide to marry outside of your "background" both social as well as economic, make sure that you are entering the marriage with a lot of compromise,  and if you are female, with a double dose of compromise. You might think you know everything about your partner, but believe me, 10, 15, 20 years down the line, new situations might arise, where you will be shocked at your partners approach. Don't say I didn't warn you o!

Aupair or Granny Aupair Update.

I wrote a post  in July 2012 titled Aupair or Granny Aupair. At the time, I was preparing to return to work unexpectedly and I was trying to decide what type of carer to get for our son.
I joined all sorts of sites and started communicating with all sorts of people online. I was uncomfortable with the idea of welcoming someone I didn't know into my home to take care of my son, and even though I had two people on my short list, I was nervous.

Candidate 1 was a Spanish young lady who sounded good on paper; she had lived in Germany before she wrote and she could speak German. After a skype session where neither of us could understand the other, it was clear that we were only going to employ her under extreme circumstances. That's apart from the fact that she was expensive.

Candidate 2 was a lady in her fifties. She had worked as a nanny and was very experienced, she said. The kids she watched were getting big and she was looking for the next role. The lady was exquisite and very nicely dressed and wore a hat. A real life Mary popping, only older. The minus was that she wanted to be paid "black" so tax free and to be honest something about her just did not sit right with me.

I was beginning to develop a high bp on the issue and reconsidering returning to work when on the advise of a friend, I went to the local child care agency. I explained the situation and I was given a name. I was told that the lady loves Africans, which immediately caused me to raise my eyebrows and decide not to have anything to do with her, as people who make such declaration in my experience are not usually all there.

 After considering our options again, we decided to give her a call. We were traveling, so we made an appointment for the weekend. when we met, we liked her, but we weren't sure. We were going to be entrusting our 5 and half month old to her care after all. Granted I was going to be working from home, but still I would have to travel sometimes and I wasn't sure.

When I visited her home and she casually said " oh and if you need to travel, I will go with you and the baby. I like to travel and explore the world.". At which point I burst into tears. I knew we had found our lady and I know it could only be God answering my prayers. And did I mention that she lives 5 minutes walk max. from our flat?

A few weeks after I started work, she went with my kids and I for 2 weeks to the UK. She has been God sent and has become a third grandmother to our kids. When my son started preschool, we asked her to stay on afternoons and she has! She isn't really strict with the kids and my strong willed daughter will sometimes walk all over her, but that's really the only negative thing I can say. I am glad I have someone who loves my kids with her whole heart, glad to be the bad cop sometimes. That's the job of a mummy anyway 😃

She is 62, unfortunately widowed a few moths before we met her, so we are as vital to her as she is to us. She even wants to come over during the weekend and sometimes goes to church with us. She is really creative and does lots of arts and crafts with the kids, learns rhymes and shares it with them, cooks if we ask her to etc.

We are really blessed to have her. If you are looking for someone to look after your kid, I cannot over recommend this kind of arrangement to you.
Has anyone else had an experience with a "granny- Aupair"?

Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie on dressing to please yourself

In this article of the Nigerian writer Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, she touched on the same subject that I talked about in a recent post So-you-have-pooch-now-guide-to-post.

"I am now 36 years old. During my most recent book tour, I wore, for the first time, clothes that made me happy. My favorite outfit was a pair of ankara-print shorts, a damask top, and yellow high-heel shoes. Perhaps it is the confidence that comes with being older. Perhaps it is the good fortune of being published and read seriously, but I no longer pretend not to care about clothes. Because I do care. I love embroidery and texture. I love lace and full skirts and cinched waists. I love black, and I love color. I love heels, and I love flats. I love exquisite detailing. I love shorts and long maxidresses and feminine jackets with puffy sleeves. I love colored trousers. I love shopping. I love my two wonderful tailors in Nigeria, who often give me suggestions and with whom I exchange sketches. I admire well-dressed women and often make a point to tell them so. Just because. I dress now thinking of what I like, what I think fits and flatters, what puts me in a good mood. I feel again myself—an idea that is no less true for being a bit hackneyed."

Read more: Why Can't a Smart Woman Love Fashion? - Personal Essay on Style - ELLE
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Visit us at ELLE.com

Are you a working mum suffering from sleep deprivation? 10 tips on how to sleep smart and work better

As someone with entrepreneural dreams, full time working mum of two, currently still breastfeeding my baby, sleep is low on availability in my life. Ever since I was pregnant with my daughter in 2008, I think I can probably count on one hand the number of times I have gotten more than seven uninterrupted hours of sleep. At the moment working an40 hour week at my job, breastfeeding my almost 2 year old son and juggling hundred ideas for new businesses and other things is really impacting on my sleep or lack of it even further. Now don't get me started on the fact that I have access to my work emails on my iPad and my iPhone which means that separating the work life from my personal life is quite difficult. BYOD* is terrible.

I went to the ENT doctor in December because I was scared I was seriously ill. I have been having colds for the last one year back to back almost uninterrupted and a perpetual sore throat. I survive on vitamin C. After the doctor asked me a few questions, she was like "you're exhausted; you need to take some time off and put your feet up and just rest!".

So I am making it my goal to rediscover how to wind down and relax.

I find that I am having information overload, am overtired and have been unable to focus properly recently. I am tired and distracted and even when I have a chance to rest, I don't. Like right now. My DH took the kids to his parents so I could get some sleep. But do you think I napped for even 5 minutes?

I know this is self destructive and I am on a mission to recondition my life and develop a much healthier relationship with sleep. I don't want to have a stroke at 40 or develop Alzheimer's because I was too stressed out mainly because of extremely poor sleeping habits.

Sleep is really important for regeneration and also for our health. It is extremely important for good mental function.

Here are some tips on sleeping better culled from the article on entrepreneural insomnia from Peterhallard.com

10 tips on how to sleep smart and work better than ever

1. Re-evaluate your relationship with caffeine

If this wonder drug is your preferred entrepreneurial productivity tool, it could be massively contributing to insomnia issues. Even if you’re not drinking coffee in the afternoons and evenings (if you are, stop), the withdrawal symptoms you experience while you’re sleeping at night can result in teeth grinding and all kinds of nasties.

2. Check what you’re eating before bed

I can’t not mention this, even though I’m supposed to be psychologically focused. If you’re eating high sugar foods before bed, you’re going to give yourself a sugar rush that’ll mean you toss and turn longer than you should be. Cut the sugary snacks and try good-fats and protein (hard boiled eggs work great) if you need to eat near bed time.

Emotional state (sleep included) is far more connected to nutrition than any of us like to admit.

3. Leave the iPhone in another room

Smartphones are simultaneously the best ever and worst things to happen to our productivity. Just because you can check email and basically every component of your business as you’re dozing off doesn’t mean you should. Doing so is likely to activate several conditioned responses in the Pavlovian sense. Best case, you’ll start having great ideas to implement tomorrow. Worst case, you’ll start stressing out about whatever bad news your company is wrestling with right now.

Solution: Keep your smartphone’s charger plugged in, in another room. Switch it off.

4. Find a way to record last minute “OMG-DO-NOT-FORGET-THIS” thoughts

You’re a juggling mum, so you’re juggling about 150 ideas of things you should and could be doing to make your family and work better. Naturally, your unconscious mind is going to throw up “reminders” in the form of bed time epiphanies. And, these will be some of the best ideas you ever have.

The secret is to keep a notebook beside your bed. When you can’t sleep because of good idea overload, just write stuff down until there’s literally nothing on your mind that isn’t on the page. Works for anxiety-inducing ideas too.

5. Wind down before bed

Transitioning from furious emailing straight to bed is stupid. “Sleep” and “Business” are two very different train tracks and your unconscious mind needs time and space to switch between the two. For the sake of your business’s bottom line, you need to schedule 2 hours or more of work-free relaxation before bed.

Tips for serious players: Start dimming the lights 45 mins before bed. Switch off all electronics at the 30 minute mark. Talk to your family. Read fiction.

6. Make your bed a dedicated sleep/sex temple

Do not desecrate your bed by using your laptop, watching TV or carrying out any other task besides those it was built for. Not even in the morning. If you’re really smart, you won’t even permit reading in bed.

The reasons aren’t even remotely spiritual. When you use your bed exclusively for sleep, you powerfully and deeply condition your mind to anticipate sleep when you find yourself there. In the same way police sirens evoke vague feelings of guilt in your heart, your bed will start to actually induce drowsiness. It’s Pavlov at work again.

If this strategy works too well, you might find yourself falling asleep at the penultimate moment of a hot date. Not to worry – simply utilize any number of other horizontal surfaces in your home and solidify your reputation as a fun loving individual.

7. Invest in quality equipment

You’re an entrepreneur, so your time is precious. Not only are you spending a third of your life in bed, the quality of your experience there determines your bottom-line output the rest of the day. So optimize your experience.

It’s not a business expense that the tax man will understand, but a fantastic mattress will pay a productivity dividend that is undeniable. If you need to experience it to believe it, book a night at a Four Seasons – home of the world’s greatest mattress – and prepare to float away on cloud of sweet dreams and comfort. A firestorm of business achievement will follow. Don’t skimp on this stuff.

8. Schedule your day to allow for a bit of morning flexibility

If you’re suffering from serious insomnia, this is an important one. Many people believe a rigid sleep schedule is important – that you must make yourself get up consistently, bright and early. However, if you’re wrestling with serious insomnia it’s likely that a good portion of the anxiety keeping you awake is centered on the fear that you won’t be well rested enough for that 8am appointment.

So for at least a few weeks, trial this: Avoid commitments earlier than 10 or 11am. Allow yourself a window to sleep in if you need to. Get out of the habit of stressing about having to wake up early, on top of worrying about whatever you’re worrying about. Once your sleep gets better, start setting your alarm earlier.

9. Allow yourself to think.

Most people with a history of troubled sleep grow to be extremely hard on themselves when they hit the hay. Have you caught yourself groaning and cursing when you lie down and immediately explode with thoughts?

Chances are, you’ve probably lost track of what normal a normal falling asleep experience actually feels like. And you’re probably placing massive, unrealistic expectations on yourself. Duh, you’re an entrepreneur.

That’s why the final tip is to ease up on yourself. If you’ve got a bad track record of sleep, you’re probably getting unnecessarily angry at yourself far too quick. In a terrible spiral, your instant “not-another-shitty-night” realization is probably half the problem.

Instead of beating yourself up about thinking too much, do the opposite: Systematically think through your day, aiming to recall each and every detail.

10 Pray and meditate.

Praying for me is focusing on God and remembering my place and importance in the whole scheme of things. That keeps me grounded. Prayer and meditation on the word of God causes relaxation and helps me plug myself into Gods plan and purpose. Ask God to help you sleep better.

Do you also struggle with sleep? Or have you managed to improve your sleeping habits? Please leave a comment sharing your tips and struggles and let's support each other.

*BYOD - bring you own device

How to be more assertive Part 2

In this post,  I want to explore some of the misconceptions about assertiveness and my rationale for being unassertive. COMMON MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT BEING ASSERTIVE The main reason for unassertive behaviour is a fear of what might happen if you are assertive. What do you fear might happen if you did stand up for your rights? You may fear that you would feel extremely guilty or anxious after asserting yourself. These fears are usually based on false beliefs about assertiveness. Let's have a look at some of these myths. I'll be being selfish if I say what I want: All we are doing by being assertive is putting our own needs on an equal level with the needs of other people. It is important for our own well being to do this. This is helpful for other people as well. We are not doing anyone a favour by letting them take us for granted or get whatever they want from us. Here is another example of how it can help other people. Supposing you were watching a film in a cinema and the person behind you was talking all the time. By politely saying something like: "excuse me, would you mind not talking while the film is on", you would be helping both yourself and the people around you.

Note that this is quite different from an aggressive comment like "Why don't you shut up!" which is only likely to lead to an argument. If I stand up for myself the other person will become upset and angry: This assumes that other people are always unreasonable. Remember, you are only asking to be treated as an equal and not making big demands. Most people will recognise this and accept your point of view. In fact, you may be surprised how easily they agree with you. People won't like me if I say what I want: Think of the people you know who are assertive. Do you think any less of them for that? The chances are you respect them more for being assertive. People are likely to think more of you if you assert yourself as it means they know where they stand with you. I feel too anxious to start being assertive: This is something of a vicious circle. Being assertive for the first time is always hard but it becomes easier after that.

So you have a pooch now - a guide to post partum elegance - 2

I know the post on postpartum elegance is more than a year old. I have made strides in my quest for postpartum elegance, even though I have been bad about documenting it here.

The single most important thing I have implemented this year is wearing more dresses, and not just when I'm going out.

The easiest way to look put together is to wear a dress. This is because a dress is only one item of clothing, you do not have to look for matching bits and pieces. Wearing a jeans, or skirt, you have to look for a top that matches, and if you are like me, with a hectic lifestyle and demanding children, you just want to keep it moving and haven't got time to waste matching clothes most days.

Since I started wearing more dresses, I look and feel more put together and I get more compliments, people think I put in a whole lot of effort, and yet I don't.

If you are a mum, busy etc, and you think a dress is not practical, let me encourage you to look out for practical yet cute dresses. There are dresses which look good, and which you can breastfeed in.
I typically dress up my dresses ;) with a belt, to define my postpartum body. You can layer a cardigan on your dress or at shirt underneath it. I try to get dresses with a bit of detailing around the middle ( similar to Sheryl in the image below) , to hide my sometimes pooch, or fitted dresses.

Here is the thing.

1. If you look good, you will feel good. If you feel good, you will feel happier. If mummy's happy, everyone is happy.
2. Taking care of yourself and your own needs is a priority ( I should take my own advices sometimes ;)
3. Looking put together gives you a boost of confidence and helps you become a better worker.

So try wearing a dress tomorrow and see how that makes you feel.

How to be more assertive part 1

Do you have challenges being assertive? I do, many times.  I think it come from the fact that in my culture, respect is king. And people in authority and older people are the top dogs, who must be respected. My father would get upset and borderline aggressive if one dared to articulate an opinion that was contrary to his. He still tries that sometimes, even now when I'm an adult married woman. I am more assertive towards him, but the very process robs me of my strength. I find that I struggle with assertiveness with people in positions of authority, and I also feel guilty and sometimes when I am assertive in other situations as I am afraid that people won't like me. I don't know if anyone can identify with me!
I don't think it's necessarily or always about lack of self confidence. Sometime, I just chose not to be assertive and rationalize that I won't waste my energy on people who won't get it, but then I get upset and can't explain why to myself.

I'm on a journey this year to increase my level of assertiveness. I will be sharing my plans and how successful I am or not. If you are having issues with assertiveness as well, please leave a comment below and let's learn from each other and support each other.

First and foremost, let's take a step back and find out what assertiveness is.

Assertiveness is the ability to stand up for ourselves and to say how we feel when we feel we need to. This includes,

Expressing your own opinion and feelings. Being able to say "no" without feeling guilty. Setting your own priorities i.e. choosing how you spend your time. Asking for what you want. Being able to take reasonable risks. Choosing not to assert yourself at times when you feel it would be better not to say anything. Assertiveness  shows that we respect ourselves and other people, and place our own desires and needs where they should be.  THE PROBLEM: Lack of assertiveness can cause stress, depression and anxiety and lead to feelings of self blame.  People who do not assert themselves fail to get their due,and also tend to feel bad about themselves.  Here are a few typical problems caused by lack of assertiveness. Saying "yes" to requests for favours from friends and relatives, no matter how unfair the requests are. Begin afraid to return damaged goods or point out poor service in shops and restaurants. Difficulty expressing positive feelings i.e. giving compliments. A fear of being criticised by others. A fear of people in authority. The first step to solving a problem is realizing you have a problem. Do you have a challenge with being assertive? Own the problem, and join me on this journey.

Discover your strengths.

Do you know what your strengths are? Many times we focus on our weaknesses instead of capitalizing on our strengths.

Don't get me wrong focusing on certain weaknesses with the aim of improving them can certainly be a good thing, however, there are certain weak areas where we need to just accept that we will never be able to convert them to strengths, so we can free space in our lives in order to focus on the things that matter and that we can actually do well.

Of course not everyone has the freedom to do a complete 180 degree turn in terms of career, but many times we delude ourselves into thinking that doing the same thing that has brought disappointing results over and over will give us different results. Life is too short to spend it on frustrating ventures and careers that are less than fulfilling.

Often, not capitalizing on our strengths when it relates to our jobs and occupations is the reason why we are unable to make significant headway, or even if we are successful doing what we do, we might not have a deep inner satisfaction. We spend too many of our waking hours working as adults that it is important to be engaged in activities that not only pay the bills, but also give us a sense of purpose and fulfillment.

2014 is just starting off and here's a brand new opportunity to leverage your strengths. Before embarking on that new project or business, before looking for a new job or accepting that offer, before throwing up your hands in despair, let me ask you again - what are your strengths? Knowing your strengths is knowing yourself and how well your know yourself is directly related to how self assured you are and how successful your interactions with others.
What are your weaknesses? You need to consciously know them to stop wasting time on those areas.

How can you find out what your strengths are? Take 10 minutes to think on the following

1) Are there any activities that you find yourself losing track of time when engaging in those activities?
2) Have you been surprised by any activity that gave you an unexpected burst of energy?

3) What activities rob you of emotional and mental energy?

Book recommendation:- Now, discover your strengths.

Homework:- Have a chat with someone who knows you and whom you can trust for an unbiased opinion on your strengths and weaknesses.

Quick and healthy meals for kids: Introducing"What's cooking!?!"

Introducing the series on quick to prepare, nutritious meals that will have your kids asking for more: What's cooking!!!
I will be sharing tried and tested recipes that have passed the tough controls of big sister and my not-so-little-anymore baby E.
Today's recipe is the Winter potato soup.

Recipe history: this recipe was born out of desperation, one Saturday in early autumn when I had no clue what to feed the kids for lunch with lunch time fast approaching. I wanted them to have a hearty lunch and I was desperate for something different from the usual pasta or steamed potato etc.

I have made this soup using different types of vegetables. It's a good way to use left over boiled potatoes, and adding the vegetables helps you pack some extra vitamins in too.
.It's quick and simple to make, if you are using pre boiled potatoes, you only need 10 minutes or so. I have made a short video about how I make my winter potato soup. Guten appetite!!

What's cooking

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Shout out to good daddies

I came across the Daddy Doing Work blog via a post on the Good Men project Facebook page. Apparently, the photo below went viral.



I follow lots of mothering blogs and pages, but this is the first time I have been made aware of the also large ( it seems) community of daddy bloggers out there. It's awesome that there are men out there who are comfortable enough with their masculinity to be hands on dads. I think most men find it fulfilling, and more would find it fulfilling, once they break out of the boxes that society has put parenting into.

My DH wore our babies in the baby ties and carriers and can be quite a hands on dad. He does think he's pretty special when hanging out with the kids, lol, but who cares? My children know that they have a loving dad who would give the world for them. My daughter told me a couple of years ago
" ich bin Papa's Sonnenenschein und Mama's Schatz"
 meaning
" I'm Papa's Sunshine and Mama's treasure". She sounded so secure when she said that that it warmed my heart.

So go on doing your things, Daddies!I wish that every kid grows up knowing that they are loved and cherished by their parents, not just mummies alone.

Happy new year!

On a more serious note, I am thankful to God to be able to see 2014. The kids are a year older and the juggle is getting easier.
Here's to a fulfilling and productive year ahead!